Looking for Love

Years ago when I was in middle school I longed for love. Not the average everyday middle school crushes but love. I was searching for it, desperately seeking for what seemed to missing. This search resulted in a variety of troubled situations that I found myself in.The song lyrics are flooding my brain, "Looking for love in all the wrong places".  

As I searched for this evasive love in relationships, activities and drinking I found plenty of wrong places. Even now over 30 years later, I have to fight against the feelings of shame and confusion as I recount the choices that I made as a young girl searching for love.

That time was so confusing to me. My family was loving, caring and nothing bad had happened in my life. We didn't attend church, but I had learned about Jesus at Released Time Christian Education in elementary school and was trying to know more about Him. Why was I so consumed with wanting to feel loved? This search which led me down paths that were so dangerous continued for several years.

One glorious night in my first year of high school as I sat with hundreds of students, my heart found what I had been searching for. The message of Jesus, his unconditional love and forgiveness were explained to me. "I want that!" 

 It didn't matter what I had done, or what others had done to me, what paths I had walked or ran down, all that mattered was His grace, His love, His sacrifice, Jesus.

I couldn't believe it, My search was over! The search yes, but the past had only just begun to haunt me. I still struggled. Two years later the real reason why I had been searching for love became apparent to me. One night my dreams were filled with reoccurring unsettling scenes of a young girl and man alone together. This was the first time that any memories of being abused had surfaced. God had protected me by suppressing the memories.

When I awoke, everything made sense. The confusion about love, the endless searching for acceptance and self worth, the desperation to belong all became very clear. All I knew was that Jesus was with me and that He would lead me through the healing that was necessary.

His Grace has been showered onto me. 

His grace has restored what had been taken. 

His grace has filled my heart with singing. 

His grace has given me a hope and a future.

Living through this has been a difficult road. One that has required work, prayer, grace and forgiveness. I will be sharing more about this in future posts.

We all have a past, we all have made choices that haunt us, we all need His grace to cover us and restore us. Thank you Lord for showering us with your grace, loving sacrifice, forgiveness and peace.

To learn more about My grace story part 2 "The Invitation"