Be still my soul

Another moment has come upon me. One that I was not wanting or expecting. My mother who has Alzheimer's disease was with me at church. As we were singing a hymn, she became lost in the hymnal, unable to follow along. Her eyes filled with frustration and confusion, eventually she just closed the book. 

My heart broke as I saw this once confident woman who loved to sing frustrated by the very thing she loved! During the next hymn I wept inside as the song explained my feelings!

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know

His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the Lord.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise

On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;

Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,

So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.

Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine

Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

I do not know what lies ahead, I do not have control of this horrible disease that continues to rob my mom of her memory. I do have this hope, That I can cling to the one who knows the future, who holds my mom in His hands and who calls her by name. Be Still my soul, God is still God!

Little by Little it eats away

I knew that it was coming. Each time I am with her there are signs of it. A forgotten name here, looks of confusion there, a wrong turn, something is beginning to change and more and more the memory is being eaten away. My mother has Alzheimer's and today I received the call that I have been 
dreading. "We've had an incident with your mom", said the voice on the phone. My heart sank, I readied myself for the explanation. She had been shopping, became confused, felt lost and didn't know where she was. Praise God that enough of her memory was in tact for her to ask for help. 

Little by little her brain is becoming inefficient. It no longer stores everyday information, names and
locations are foggy and it plays tricks on her.    
Today was a struggle, but even in the midst of it God was at work. Yesterday I had a conversation with a dear friend about taking the keys away from mom. Today although it was scary, was such a blessing because she willingly gave the keys up!

What I learned

God is always with us and He is working even when we are at our lowest. Psalm 73:23-26

I need Thee every hour

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power
When Thou art nigh

I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need Thee
I need thee, I need thee, I need Thee every hour

I need Thee every hour in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide or life is in vain
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour

Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee
Oh I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour

Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

Questions and Answers

A huge weight has been on my heart. My mother has Alzheimer's and lately her short term memory has been spotty at best. Every time I am with her it is necessary to choose my words wisely, so not to upset her, did I mention she also can be grumpy? In the midst of this there have been many questions that have arisen for me. It's amazing how God has given me answers and blessings along the way

Questions

How do I care for her when she doesn't remember simple things or becomes agitated. On vacation I spent some time reading a book, Creating Moments of Joy. The author helped me see how to care for my mom in a kinder, more loving way! 

What can be done to keep her in her independent living situation for as long as possible? The organization, Elders helpers is able to send a nurse to her home to consult with my mom and set up all of her medications. The nurse is kind, gentle and knowledgeable. My mom loved her!

What medication for Alzheimer's should my mom be taking? After meeting with her doctor it was revealed that Aricept, the medication that she was supposed to be taking had been discontinued in her records! Well that answers many questions!

What I learned

The weight has been lifted. God has blessed me with answers and surprises! 

The Doctor's office called and changed the appointment. This meant that we would meet with the nurse first and the Doctor the next day. What a blessing because it gave me time to formulate important questions and time to mentally rest after a tough couple of hours with the nurse. God knew that I needed that extra time.  

The other blessing came in the discovery of the missing medication. Thank you Lord for prompting me to ask the question!

O Lord, You have looked through me and have known me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You understand my thoughts from far away. You look over my path and my lying down. You know all my ways very well. Even before I speak a word, O Lord, You know it all. You have closed me in from behind and in front. And You have laid Your hand upon me. All You know is too great for me. It is too much for me to understand. Psalm 139:1-6

God knows what we need and blesses us abundantly! 

The Roller Coaster of Emotions

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. While on vacation in California, my Mom who has Alzheimer's is in Michigan.  What a blessing it has been that my Aunt Phyllis has been staying with her while I am gone. However, each time the phone rings, I take a deep breath and pray before answering. 

I am never sure if it will be good news, bad news, confusion or anger coming to me. Like a roller coaster the events come in waves of highs and lows.  

This is hard to admit- but sometimes, I just don't want to answer. It's as if the roller coaster has begun the long climb upwards, (clickity clack, clickity clack) and I know that the downhill is coming so I close my eyes.  As if closing my eyes and hiding myself form the reality of the situation will protect me!  At that moment, rational or not, "Not knowing feels better than knowing".

I know that I am not alone that many have and are going through this with their loved ones.  But for the record, I just want to say, "I don't like Alzheimer's" !

Alzheimer's Facts

What I learned

A little song came rushing into my head as I wrote this blog. You are my Hiding Place

You are my hiding place.

You always fill my heart,

With songs of deliverance.

Whenever I am afraid,

I will trust in You.

I will trust in You.

Let the weak say,

I am strong,

In the strength of the Lord.

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I need to trust, to hide away in Jesus. He alone can calm the nervousness and anxiety that I feel. Trusting Him means that I will let go and open my eyes to watch Him work, watch Him direct and comfort, watch Him and follow His lead. 

Help me Jesus to ride with you!