The Roller Coaster of Emotions

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. While on vacation in California, my Mom who has Alzheimer's is in Michigan.  What a blessing it has been that my Aunt Phyllis has been staying with her while I am gone. However, each time the phone rings, I take a deep breath and pray before answering. 

I am never sure if it will be good news, bad news, confusion or anger coming to me. Like a roller coaster the events come in waves of highs and lows.  

This is hard to admit- but sometimes, I just don't want to answer. It's as if the roller coaster has begun the long climb upwards, (clickity clack, clickity clack) and I know that the downhill is coming so I close my eyes.  As if closing my eyes and hiding myself form the reality of the situation will protect me!  At that moment, rational or not, "Not knowing feels better than knowing".

I know that I am not alone that many have and are going through this with their loved ones.  But for the record, I just want to say, "I don't like Alzheimer's" !

Alzheimer's Facts

What I learned

A little song came rushing into my head as I wrote this blog. You are my Hiding Place

You are my hiding place.

You always fill my heart,

With songs of deliverance.

Whenever I am afraid,

I will trust in You.

I will trust in You.

Let the weak say,

I am strong,

In the strength of the Lord.

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I need to trust, to hide away in Jesus. He alone can calm the nervousness and anxiety that I feel. Trusting Him means that I will let go and open my eyes to watch Him work, watch Him direct and comfort, watch Him and follow His lead. 

Help me Jesus to ride with you! 

The black cloud

For the last few days I have been having a pity party. Like vultures circling overhead, there have been thoughts. Thoughts about being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, young enough, strong enough, etc. etc.


It was as if a black smoldering cloud was hovering overhead!  Following me every where I went and slowly encroaching in on me. 


Now before you feel badly for me, There is not;

a family crisis

a death

sickness

disaster

Just me, not smiling, trying not to feel, pushing back any emotions that do surface, walking under a cloud

Why? I am not really sure. Maybe it is a result of all of the things we saw and experienced while serving people in Guatemala or it could be the looming questions that I have been wrestling with. 


Whatever it is, I have had enough! I choose what is good! I choose the life that has been promised! I choose the truth of God's word!


This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Deuteronomy 30:19

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

I am going to focus on what is good and true. God has told us in His word what he believes about us. 

I choose to believe that; 

He made me

He loves me

He chose me

He forgave me

He has filled me

He has a plan for me

He is with me

Father, I choose to receive the love that you offer me. I will look at your promises and not at the black cloud! Thank you for bringing me back to the truth and not allowing me to fall into the pit. Jann