I understand how you feel

Understanding how your spouse feels was the topic this week in the Marriage session of Trading Places that my husband and I are teaching.  Each person completed an exercise where we looked at the following list and chose the 3 most common communication styles that we use with our spouses.

•  Ordering-“You can’t do that!”
• Threatening- “I’m warning you!”
•  Moralizing- “You should really know better.”
• Advising- “I can tell you what’s best for you.”
• Questioning- “Did you even think about asking me first?”
• Judging- “You are way out of line.”
• Condescending- “You’re a regular genius.”
• Diagnosing- “You’re being paranoid.”
• Reassuring- “There’s no need to worry.”
• Diverting-“Think about the positives.”

What 3 would you choose?
I am embarrassed to tell you that my 3 are Ordering, Advising and Questioning.

After choosing our 3 communication styles, I modeled the next step of the exercise. My husband was out of town so I asked one of the men in the class to fill in for him. What I learned from this exercise shocked me.


Standing in front of everyone I spoke as if my husband was right there in next to me listening. "When you advise me, when you tell me what you think I should do. I feel like you don't think I know anything, that I am dumb." As I said these words it felt good to express myself.  It was the next part that shocked me.


The man that stood in for my husband looked at my list and then began to speak, "When you question me, I feel that you don't trust me and that hurts me." I stood there looking at him, unable to speak or respond.

"Is that the way my husband feels when I question him?", I wondered. This is going to be an interesting conversation when he returns. 

Sometimes the truth is revealed to us through others. The truth is I never have thought about how my husband feels when I question him. What I learned today is a game changer. I love when these things happen! 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

When we consider others as more important is is easier to set aside our feelings and begin to Understand how others feel. Father help me to do so.