Lesson #7

When it gets Hard, Press in

I wish I could have a redo! This afternoon I went to visit with my mom.  She had been looking for something but couldn't find it.  I suggested a few places that we might find it and eventually it was found. Normally she would have been happy about finding something that was lost, but on this day she seemed particularly agitated.

It must be tough to manage the emotions when things have been removed from you; your memories, your control and even decision-making.

What happened next I so wish that I could do over.  In the moment of a conversation my mom lashed out in such anger that I was a little nervous at what would happen next. Instead of pressing in to the Spirit , I responded in my sternest teacher voice for her to sit down and told her that this behavior was unacceptable.

As you can imagine it didn't go over very well. 

I know why things did not go well. I was relying on my ability to handle a tense situation. Mustering up my power, my strength, my words and then watching as everything escalated. 

On my own, I have no grace, no kindness, no patience. I am an empty broken vessel without the love of Jesus.

Fortunately after a calmer conversation my mom apologized and we moved on.

This experience taught me that when life gets hard I need to press in to Jesus.

I had forgotten in that moment that He alone can fill me with grace, peace, joy, wisdom, patience and power.

If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 1:19

What does it mean to Press in to Jesus?

To physically be close to Him

Who touched me?” Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.” Luke 8:45

To earnestly seek after Him

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Philippians 3:12

I have learned so much from this terrible disease of dementia. Thank you God for using every teachable moment to refine me.

Lesson #6

There is Joy in the Small Things. 

One of the things my mom and I love to do together is cook. I think that I developed my fascination with cooking from my mom. I remember being so happy when I would get home and the house would be filled with fragrant aromas of spaghetti or chocolate cake, my grandmothers recipe. We didn't have much money growing up and often my mom would use whatever she could find to create a flavorful masterpiece for our family. After I had a family of my own I thought often about what my mom would put together to serve to us. These specialties were comprised of the things that we had. Sometimes all we had was top Ramen and mixed vegetables. To this day our daughters love Top Ramen and I know it's because of what I learned from my mom;

Use what you have and serve it with love.

Now that my mom has dementia cooking can be difficult. She doesn't always remember that it's unsafe to taste things like chicken unless they're cooked, and directions must be given one step at a time. Nevertheless this last Saturday we decided that we would cook together for a few hours. I set things out and had a plan in my mind before mom arrived. We were going to cook some chicken recipes and Brats. We would see how far we would get.  A little before 10 AM mom showed up with her walker and seemed tired. I was nervous, could this really happen?

And then God gave us a brilliant idea! Her walker had a seat on it and if we pushed it up to the counter placing a cutting board on the counter it was the perfect height and place for mom. One item at a time, she worked through cutting or stirring, mixing or adding and she felt needed.

There was a moment when I had to look away because my eyes filled with tears realizing we had little moments of joy. The small things that she could accomplish brought her such satisfaction, as they did me.

At the end of our three hours of cooking we enjoyed the fruits of our labor!  We made banana muffins, zucchini muffins, mustard mushroom chicken, brats and peppers, and chicken tortilla casserole. I would say not a bad three hours work!

Forever we will have that time together and I'm so pleased to know I can still cook with my mom. It's a lesson I've learned in making small moments into big moments.

It reminded me of how God does that with us. When we take the time to look, we see his hand everywhere. Small moments are big moments when we realize they been given to us by the creator of the universe.

Today as you go through your life don't miss the small things.

the smile

the verse

the flower

the bird

the hug

the memory

God's goodness is all-around take some time to thank him fo

Lesson #5

Lesson #5 Rest is important

Eyes pop open and I realize I slept through the entire night! Not once did I turn over and begin to wonder, "Is she was okay?" I never looked at my phone to see if there were multiple phone calls from her begging me to bring her home. I just slept peacefully, blissfully drooling and dreaming. Delighted  in rest.

Sleep is nothing new. We all do it, but sometimes it's interrupted by noises, phone calls, children crying, thunder and sometimes, it's just our minds that will not rest.

Over the last month my sleep has been interrupted by thoughts of my mom and by phone calls from her in the middle the night.

My mother's once routine lifestyle had been interrupted by a hospital stay and an even longer rehab hospital where nurses came in and things weren't familiar. Let's just say that her anxiety level went through the roof!

When her sleep became interrupted, my sleep became interrupted. Much like an infant whose schedule has not been solidified, my mother's sleep schedule had been changed.

Blissfully this morning, after having my mom return to her home I slept! I slept good and hard and awoke this morning with a delighted sense of rest.

It's what I've been praying, craving, and hoping for.  In the scheme of things it may not seem like that big of a deal, but when my rest becomes a jumbled mess, it's more like a nightmare. I don't respond in kindness ,my brain has less ability to think clearly and throughout the day all I can think about is taking a nap. It reminds me of when my children were small and I lived in that world of little rest.

A few days ago a good friend reminded me of what the Lord wants to do for me. The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.

This verse has been enfolding me in the arms of Jesus reminding me of his deep love.

What exactly does it mean, that He will fight for me? 

The Lord fights for us in many ways. One of my favorite verses says He is a victorious warrior.

He with us in the Fight and will be Victorious

The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. 

Zephaniah 3:17

The Battle is His

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you. 

2 Chronicles 20:17

God Hears us and Delivers us

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles. Psalm 34:17

I've spoken much about this image of the Lord going before us and being our rear guard, but honestly it's how I live my life now. Trusting that He has gone before, that he has checked out the land and He knows what's there. It's living in the belief the If He is real then He has prepared a way and that He is following behind me to clean up my messes, to protect me from behind.

But then there's the question of how do I be still? It's not one of my best attributes to be honest. I know how to stop. I know how to ask Jesus to meet with me and for the Holy Spirit to remind me, but I'm not so good at doing it over and over. These verses encourage me to be still to cause anxious thoughts to be held captive before the Lord.  It is then that He speaks softly to me and gives me rest.

I'm praying that this is a new season of rest.

Where do you find rest where do you need the Lord to fight for you?

Lessons I am Learning Lesson #4

Lesson #4

When our memories fail us. God will remind us of the truth! This is good news!

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. John 14:26

Reading this passage gave me restored hope for my mom.  After telling her the same things several times, I can get so down. When I read these words of Jesus my hope is restored.

I have been praying this truth over her. The Holy Spirit will remind you of everything that Jesus has said.  It may not make her memory of everyday tasks any better, or her ability to remember what she ate for breakfast, or what we talked about 10 minutes ago. It will however solidify some important truths.

Truths that Jesus wanted all of us to remember

He gives us rest

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29

He gives us Peace

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

He gives us Joy

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. John 15:11 

He gives us Life

 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture.  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:9-10

He gives us Power to Overcome

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

I am praising God for these reminders today. God loves my mom so much that He sent His Holy Spirit to speak these words of Jesus to her very soul.  God is so good to us!

The Lessons that i am Learning Lesson #3

It’s the place that makes sense to me, there I can put things in order.

Do you have a place like that? The spot where you feel safe and things make sense.  Where everything has a place?

Yesterday sitting with my mom at the rehab hospital, we talked about the place that she feels safest -her apartment. She went in and out of confusion about where she currently is staying.  The rehab hospital is not familiar to her. The room is not familiar, the people are not familiar ,the hallways are not familiar, it’s not home. 

Watching her try to make sense out of something that makes no sense to her is excruciating. Tears began falling from her eyes. “I can’t wrap my mind around it, it doesn’t make sense to me. I want to go downstairs and see my friend Dale”, She cried. In her confusion she couldn’t understand where she was and why she was there. After explaining to her that downstairs was different here than in her apartment she looked at me with utter confusion pleading, “I want to go home, it’s the place that makes sense to me!”  I so wish that would be the best place for her, but right now where she is, is the best place. It breaks my heart a little each time.

Lesson #3 

The things that make sense in my life are thrones that create order and peace

God’s Word

His Spirit

Jesus

The body of Christ

Worship

When these things are part of my life it has a rhythm and everything is in order. Only then do things make sense to me. In these moments it is when God intervenes into my life and I have peace.

Without these, nothing makes sense to me.

Thanks mom for another lesson that I learned from you.

Oh what I am Learning Lesson #2

Cleaning, sorting, organizing, trashing and hauling away have been the mode of operation this week. In the hope that my mother who has dementia may be returning to her apartment, my husband and I began to clean her apartment. We have known for a while that she had hoarding tendencies, but until we examined her belongings more closely we had little knowledge of how much she collected.

Outwardly the small one bedroom apartment appears tidy and put together, but under the surface, in drawers, closets, and refrigerator the evidence revealed her addiction to stuff.  It seems as though anything that she really likes she has multiples of. Multiples meaning 8-10 of the same thing.  This could be food, clothing, flashlights, shampoo, or laundry detergent.

She hasn’t always been this way. The Dementia has increased her need for things. I believe that her possessions have brought her comfort.

Lesson #2

Possessions only Bring Temporary Joy

The funny thing about dementia is that you don’t remember certain things. In my mothers case she has vascular dementia which causes her to have a difficult time remembering new information. When she purchases something she will forget that she has it and purchase another. Her joy of that new possession is very limited. The results of dementia are clearly seen throughout her apartment with the mounds of multiples that we found.

Before I judge her I must admit that I too have a love for things. Looking in my closet,I do not need anything rather, I want things. I have looked at my clothing as a form of comfort.

Jesus warned us about loving things too much

Then he said, “Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.” Luke 12:15

As He spoke about the rich young ruler Jesus knew that the joy of our hearts can only be fulfilled by a relationship with himself. He alone can be our comfort.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

Thanks mom for teaching me to Love God more than possessions!

The lessons I am Learning- Lesson #1

At this time in my life I am shocked by how much I am learning.

It seems as though there are lessons to be learned around every corner,

In every joyful situation,

In the midst of conversation,

Within difficulties and painful events,

In beautiful sunsets and starry skies

Listening to the rainfall and taking in the sunshine.

I am not sure if my eyes have been opened and therefore I am more teachable or if God is shouting in the midst of the painful period that involves caring for my mom with dementia.

Because I have nothing else to rely on with this disease of dementia I cling to God. Often this is my prayer.

Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5

Lesson #1- Mom needs to feel Safe and Not Alone

Yesterday I was frustrated with her insistent pleads to come home from rehab. It seemed that the harder I tried to explain that she was going to be fine the more she cried out. On one hand it broke my heart to watch her cry in deep distress and anxiety, but on the other hand I just wanted her to relax and settle in with where she was at. My heart was so torn.

In the evening we had very loud thunderstorms that rattled our home. Our dog Spunky is so afraid and needy when these occur. In the midst of her repeated attempts to find comfort, she cradled herself as close to me as possible. You might find this to be a cute, sweet scene but at 2 am it didn’t appear that way to me. As I tried to comfort her I was reminded of my mother who also was so afraid of being alone. She just wants to be reminded that she is not alone.

This lesson is true of every person I know, no one wants to feel alone in this world. For my mom, the afternoon and evening time is like the resounding clatter of thunder. It stirs up fear and anxiety that whisper to her the lie that no one is there for her.

My job is to remind her that God is always present.  Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

Phone Calls

The phone calls from my mom in the middle of the night range from humorous to heart wrenching. Currently she is in a Rehab hospital following a week-long hospital stay. Unfortunately the hospital stay ramped up her dementia to a whole new level. Previous to this stay she forgot things, would get confused and sometimes look at you with a blank stare. Now however, the stares are more often, the confusion is throughout the day and evenings have become a terrifying time for her.

Almost everyday at 5pm she will turn to us and ask, “am I going home with you?” We reassure her that she will be safe at the hospital and that we will see her tomorrow. This is very common with dementia patients and is referred to as Sundowners. After we leave she will call again to say that she wants to go home, we reassure her and she falls asleep.  Depending on the night, she may call up to 5 times. In the beginning I answered every call, but now I let it go to voicemail and just pray when the phone vibrates.

At times the calls are very humorous. She has told us that she has been kidnapped, that her bed is in the church chapel, and my favorite one, that she is in someone’s apartment whose name is R.N..

Unfortunately for her these are more than funny calls. They are her cries for help. Usually she asks that I come and get her, that she is scared and wants to go home. My heart has been broken as I listen to her plead over the phone. I can only imagine the torment that she is going through.

This morning’s call gave me some insight to the prison that she is locked within. “Jann, this is your mother, I am downstairs in the basement. I am in my bed and I can’t get out. Please come and help me!”

The Lord helped me see through this call that she feels desperately trapped and alone. How I wish that she could take in and fully grasp how much God loves her.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:18-19

We all have fears that hold us captive. For my mom it is the fear of being alone and not in control. These fears manifest themselves in our actions and thoughts. I also have fears that hold me captive, fears of failure and disappointment. These fears however can be conquered.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 

Taking every thought captive is difficult but is necessary if I want to be free!

I have to admit, that there have been times that her calls are an inconvenience and I have not wanted to answer. Today my heart has been changed. My mission is to come alongside of her and bring her comfort when she is fearful and remind her that she is loved and chosen by God. He alone can free her from her chains.

You are not forgotten! Jesus has already set you free.

When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” Luke 13 :12

God desires to set us free from the things the take us captive, Thank you Father for setting us free!

Moment by Moment

I had the great pleasure recently of being part of the IF:Gathering both in Austin Texas in February and then here locally at our home church Corinth Reformed for our IF:Corinth gathering. One of the speakers was Laura Sobiech whose son fought a courageous battle with cancer and then eventually he passed away. This mother spoke of how her family made each day count knowing that death was looming around the corner. You can read more about it at fly a little higher.

I could not help but correlate the anguish, heartache and uncertainty that I felt with my mom’s dementia.

Questions kept racing through my mind,

How will I tell her it’s time for her to get more care?

Where’s the best place for her?

How will her dear friend Dale feel when we move her?

Will she fight me when I tell her it’s time?

How will I possibly resist those childlike eyes that look at me and say,” I don’t want to go, I’m scared?”

While I was listening to this mom share her story of heartbreak she said something that has stuck with me.

“We did it moment by moment. We didn’t look ahead to what was going to come, although we were prepared for that, we took every moment, embraced it and lived in it.

This is only possible by the grace of God!

This week will be one of those moments I have the blessing of sharing with my mom. Every day has a new moment. Every day has a new phone call from my mom asking, when she can come home, telling me how scared she is.

I’m asking God for the grace to get through those moments and the next ones.

I’m holding tightly to the His promise that, my grace is sufficient for you.

Jesus promises that He will be with me. I’m banking on it, trusting and it believing it, embracing it, living it today!

What do you need his grace for today? How will you hold on to his promise of being with you today? Who needs to hear this promise that you could share this with?

Living in the moment filled with His grace and his promises.

Sorrow and Joy

You know it’s eventually coming. Difficult times, testing of your faith, those moments that take your breath away. We prepare for them, we say we have faith in the midst of them, we sing songs that declare, “I believe in the power of Jesus”. I will stand firm.

We cling to the truth, “to be strong and courageous“. And then it comes, the moment that we prepared for. It is in that moment that we realize, nothing can prepare you.

We can only hold on to the One who holds the future, take a deep breath of the Holy Spirit and ask Him to fill us with His strength, power and His peace that passes understanding.

Watching my mom struggle with health issues and dementia has been one of those moments. While I was weeping just this morning my husband asked me, “What brings the tears”? My response was that there’s so many things that bring the tears.  I thought I would share them with you today.

I weep

for what has been lost

for what is being taken away-her memories, her ability to think clearly.

for the unknown because, I do not know how long I’ll have her.

because, I know she’s frustrated and feels so alone.

because, I don’t know what to do

because, selfishly I want it to be over

and I’m not quite sure if I’m strong enough to walk through it.

It’s a good thing that I know Jesus! It’s a good thing that my mom knows Jesus and that even in her confusion He is with her, that he loves her, and he has prepared a place for her.

Today I choose joy in the unknown. These moments with my mom have taught me that I don’t have to have it together. It’s ok if my mom doesn’t have to have her memories because we know the One who holds the future. It is He who is holds her in His arms and who loves and cherishes her.

I choose joy today because, He did not give me a spirit of fear but of a sound mind and of power and I rejoice in that today.

I still believe in His goodness and embrace the joy that is found in Him alone!

Dec 14 Our Refuge

These last few years have been difficult for me. My mother has changed from a strong, independent, knowledgeable woman into a sometimes confused shadow of herself.  She has dementia. At first I shrugged it off, "She's just getting forgetful" I told myself. Now I know that she has dementia and never will be the same. It can be hard to have a conversation with her that requires detailed information and recall. My mother in all the ways that I used to know her is now gone. 

Sometimes it is too much to bear. I need a refuge! I need a place to just hide away from the feelings of sadness that I feel. I am grateful that Jesus has become my refuge! He provides a safe place that I can go to share my feelings and be reminded that He loves me and my mom. 

"O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him, Psalm 34:8